2006 Parody: Act 2, Song 5: "American Tribe"

HARVARD LAW SCHOOL
PARODY 2006
"FINDING BLACHMAN CONTRIBUTORILY NEGLIGENT"

Act 2, Song 5
"American Tribe"

(Based on Don McLean's "American Pie") (Youtube)

Setting: June 9, 2005, Holmes Field, Harvard Law School, graduation day for Jeremy Blachman and the 500+ other members of the Harvard Law School Class of 2005. For nearly three weeks, the Law School has been rocked by Professor Tribe's disclosure (made in response to scrutiny from Supreme Court Justice Stephen G. Breyer) that he is  cancelling all future editions of his constitutional law treatise -- thereby throwing countless ghostwriters out of work. 

Shortly after Tribe made his announcement, working with the students operating the AuthorSkeptics blog, Blachman began writing what he hoped would be his magnum opus on the Harvard plagiarism scandals -- a song seeking both to summarize the turmoil at the Law School during the previous eight months, and to plumb its deeper meaning. His focal point for the song was Tribe and Tribe's decision to abandon his treatise now that it was no longer possible for him to produce scholarship through the secret use of ghostwriters. 

Given Tribe's importance at the law school, during the graduation festivities Blachman is allotted ten minutes to sing the song. Although Blachman is at best an average singer, his lyrics, and the memories (both sad and funny) of the past eight months they spark, bring the audience alive. Halfway through the song, the thousands in attendance rise and sing the remainder of the choruses along with Blachman, and at the end they give Blachman a standing ovation -- a fitting tribute to Blachman's remarkable three years at Harvard Law School.

Jeremy Blachman, narrator:

This is the only new song as to which I was not negligent in failing to include it in the 2005 Parody -- because the key event on which it focuses (Tribe's abandonment of his treatise) occurred two months after the Parody was staged. Thanks to the folks behind the AuthorSkeptics blog for their help on some of the details concerning the Harvard plagiarism scandals. (One more thing: some have suggested I'm behind the AuthorSkeptics blog. I'm not -- I was plenty busy with writing the Parody, and with blogging anonymously, and with blogging under my own name, and occasionally attending classes. All I did was give "AuthorSkeptics" their name.)

"American Tribe"

(Sung by Jeremy Blachman)

(Here is a MIDI file in case you want to sing it!)

A long, long time ago

I can still remember how that treatise used to make me smile

And I knew if Tribe had his chance

That he'd make the Constitution dance

And maybe it'd be living for awhile

But September made me quiver

With every Weekly Standard issue

Bottum whacked Ogletree

Then turned his axe on Larry

I can't remember if I cried

When I read about his wounded pride

But something touched me deep inside

The day the treatise died

So bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe

Did you write the Book of Tribe

And do you believe he's Jesus Christ

If Michael Fertik tells you so?

Or do you believe that Tribe's a troll

For "Justice Tribe" he'd sell his soul

And can he teach you how to write real slow?

Well, I know that Tribe's in love with Klain

'Cause he took the fall though Klain's to blame

They both are in the news

Now they both are Washington boobs

Tribe took lots of cases to make a buck

In writing his own books he put not much truck

But he knew he was out of luck

The day the treatise died

I started singin'

Bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe

Now for eight months we've been on our own

While Dean Velvel turns every stone

But, that's not how it used to be

When Mahatma prayed to the King and Queen

In a coat he borrowed from John Dean

And chutzpah that came from Alan D.

Because while Mahatma was looking down

The jester stole his scholar crown

"My God!" exclaimed his foes

"Mahatma has no clothes!"

And while Alan copied footnotes down

Mr. 'Tree blamed his RA clowns

It all began with Roscoe Pound

The day the treatise died

We were singin'

Bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe

Helter skelter, as the "scholars" swelter

Their colleagues hide in a fallout shelter

Charlie's high and falling fast

Dean Kagan hired Philip Glass

While Summers tried for a forward pass

With Mahatma on the sidelines in a cast

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume

While Ponnuru played a marching tune

We all got up to dance

Oh, but we never got the chance

‘Cause Tom Goldstein tried to take the field

"The Corner" band refused to yield

As you recall Tom Veal revealed

The day the treatise died

We started singin'

Bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe

Oh, and they were put in their place

Dersh, 'Tree and Tribe, all lost in space

With no ghosts left to write for them

So come on: Bill be nimble, Bill be quick

Bill K. sat on a candlestick

‘Cause fire is Bill Kristol's only friend

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage

My hands were clenched in fists of rage

No angel born in Heaven

Could break that Satan's spell

And as the flames climbed high into the night

To light the sacrificial rite

I saw Murdock laughing with delight

The day the treatise died

He was singing

Bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe

I met a ghost who wrote for Tribe

And I asked her: "Did he ever write?"

Kagan smiled and turned away

I went down to the sacred store

Where's I'd seen the treatise years before

But the man there said the treatise went away

And in the streets, the students screamed

The law dean cried, and the law profs schemed

But not a word was written

The Tribe muse had been smitten

And the one man I admired most

Professor Laurence Tribe, well he was toast

Skipped the parody to avoid the roast

The day the treatise died

They all were singin'

Bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe

Bye-bye Mr. American Tribe

Born in Shanghai, taught at Harvard

Just a regular guy

His ghostwriters, they all broke down and they cried

Singin', nothing more to write for that Tribe

Nothing more to write for that Tribe